The Embarassment

Along this path called

THE MIDDLE, what sticks

a lot is embarrassment.

You look back and think of the things you did, or didn’t during an insane period of your life. It’s a period where you think everything is under control but in reality you have already lost control. This is when your heart opens up to someone or something in an unapologetic, sincere way.

So apart from grief and longing, sits with you the hot burning feeling of embarrassment. Thoughts keep coming back relentless and unforgiving, of all the feelings of a bare heart, of the sporadic sex and insane positions. My god, how you would wish that had never happened.

How could I have skipped family dos, or found excuses for not meeting someone important just to engage with this being. When you think that you were ready to re-shape everything in your life just to have that being around you, when your rose-colored glasses are removed you are left embarrassed with yourself.

The tingling hot feeling that’s left, the red face and the flush of heat on your back. In what way can you control or explain that? What was I thinking?? Or better, was my mind really functioning at all?

This is what you’re left with probably when you are shaken back to your senses and you know what? …. you’re more flushed when you find out it’s normal !

This is the third and last piece of my posts – THE MIDDLE (for now)

Love xx




How would you feel if wherever you looked you seem to find no one walking the journey with you? And what if that’s what’s meant to be and it’s a good thing?

This weekend was super, lots of sea and relaxing moments, quality. Time out where a load was blown away from my mind and in the evening it did really feel lighter. Like the thoughts were swept away.

But I have realized that I’m doing a lot of what others like to do. I get carried away with plans of others, which although enjoyable are not mine. And then I end up not finding anyone to share mine with me.

Ok not to be too dramatic, there are many times I share what I like to do with others but then there are specific times during the week where I find no one. And I have come to dread these times every single week.

Being stuck in the middle is not a good place, i came a long way where I re-built myself from another life and managed to attain what I wanted to attain; a higher education, I powerful job, a good position at work and an interesting social life.

Yet, this middle ground leaves a lot to wonder where everything is at and where the ship is sailing to. Should I be knowing this? I don’t know. But do you feel like there are hours during the day where you say; ok what do I do with myself now? Shall I go to that place? But with who, no one seems to be available ! Am I the only one with empty pockets on my hands?

And don’t tell me to clean the house cause I’m not filling my time with that!

PS: I get help for cleaning don’t think I live in a rat hole 🙂

Love xx


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